The Prestigious Towne of Canada (excerpts)
Eight Brief Historical Apologies
- The Cold War was a Coney Island ice cream shop that burned down from a mishandled firecracker.
- Napolean Bonaparte was a lighthouse converted to a clock tower in a dry coastal town. A gang of methamphetamine addicts removed all the mortar with lost house keys and over time it crumbled to rubble.
- New York City was a famous stone village, which from one angle was built to appear like two rocks kissing. It was accidentally dyed hot pink when a pollen storm met rain in 1985.
- The Mechanical Pencil was a short-lived tax bylaw that enforced neighbors to perform audits on one another when it rained.
- The Buckminister Fuller was the greatest amusement park attraction known to America. It was made of popsicle sticks and when it collapsed a young boy’s goldfish died in Arizona.
- IBM was a central facility that stored erotic heirloom memories, like first kisses, or the loss of virginity.
- Frederick Taylor was a furniture style made highly fashionable by American Aristocrats, but became domestic and boring when overseas reproductions flooded the market.
- The Museum of Modern Art was a children’s movement that protested digestive habits, but was exposed as marketing tactic for state manufactured diapers.
The Ungulate Almanac
Once a year when the Queen Mother panics her bed in vomit an enormous feast is detained in the body of a collapsible house. The preceding year’s furniture is roasted and broiled and eaten using hammers. An edible sponge is taken back for desert. Place cards provide new behavioral prompts. The boys are seated at a table slightly lower than that of the girls. The horse oracle is summoned and dutifully seated with her husband, a set of flocked dentures. The horse, now in the latent period, has been buried to the neck in a tank of esteemed upholsterer’s sputum, and is resting from trotting on a track of brushed copper plates while clad in iron shoes. The sheets are detached, corroded, and sanitized. Once inked the metal is passed through heavy rollers that impress rag paper. The almanac is bound and the jockey reads aloud for three days. If the jockey momentarily collapses during oration a mock jockey quickly winds up and pours on the crowd. The almanac annually dictates customary dental vacations, the principal methods of ornamentation, the annual role of the compulsory hero, and the bird storms that feed the crops among other things.
In Great Praise of Gravity
The teeth of children complaining of boredom and nausea, if not wrapped in paper, leave ghostly residue in transparent drinks. Glue must be applied to the skin of feet, which increasingly harden throughout life until they crack. Horses translated into components of couches, chairs & footstools, are eaten using hammers, pliers & rulers. Doctors cannot explain, nor remedy, the commonly described feeling of swollen and weeping knees to people that use wheels for assisted transportation. Sneezes are the byproduct of a guardian angel biting their fingernails, which is a bad habit they will forego upon receiving their first set of false teeth. Those awarded residences on streets they cannot pronounce fear the forced anonymity of new keys, and have a desire to attach tags detailing the house, room, door, and the contents revealed. It is discovered that gravity is the great force that induces sleep. Cycles of resistance and sublimation control the verticality of bodies and allow it to commune with the earth. It is believed that gravity is a symptom of earth’s insecurity for human affection.
Eight Brief Terminological Apologies
- Laundry was the manner in which young people learned to treat one another in the playgrounds of second-rate elementary schools.
- Acetate was how one would describe the feeling of coming to understand that one disgusts the person that one is lying on top of.
- Western Omelets were a traditional headdress worn before noon and only on weekends in the northern region of British Columbia.
- Paper was what was left over when animals forgot their dreams.
- Hockey Stick was both a hotdog recipe and the slang term for a sexual position that proved to eliminate competition sperm.
- Treadmill was a type of snack made from pulped advertisements and was most popular amongst young women, aged 12-
- Dove was the title for a child that was exchanged amongst families for drugs like acetaminophen, decongestant, heroin, and LSD.
- Friction was a measurement of suspect emotion in the atmosphere at any one time, properly measured through the sweat of cheeses.